I've been in a bit of a funk today. I'm not really sure why, it could be a number of things, but I'm feeling a little better this evening after doing some exercise. I dug out an old Pilates dvd and did that. It has been so long and I found it quite difficult. About four years ago I was doing pilates regularly and it had an amzing affect on my body. The classes were at an inconvinient time, I didn't enjoy getting up and driving for 40 minutes on a Saturday morning to be at the class by 9am. I'll try the dvd for awhile, but may end up going back to the classes as I was just so much more flexible and strong as a result of simply doing one class a week.
I followed my pilates with Week 2, Day 1 of C25K. This morning I didn't think I'd be able to do it, I felt so sluggish and tight. The pilates loosened me up nicely and I successfully completed the half hour. There is something to be said for structure and the satisfaction of being able to tick something off. Week one, done. Week two day one, done. I find it hard to believe that I could actually run 5 kms, I've never done that before. Ever. I'm the type of person who wouldn't run for a bus. I blame Mr Renick, my year 5 teacher who made me race the fastest girl in our year. I guess it is time to forgive him and move on. I will be running 5kms in 8 weeks time.
I spent most of the day going through my wardrobe. God, I have a lot of clothes. It is ridiculous. I've just kept buying things, presumably because I kept getting bigger. I have a whole suitcase full of very pretty size 16 and 14 summer/spring clothes. I can't wait to fit into some of those again. The process was a bit sad, though. At first I couldn't remember when I was a size 14, and then it occured to me that at my mother's funeral I was wearing a size 14 skirt. That was in 2005 and was five months after I had given birth to Alexandra. In the years since I went up to a size 22. I was a 16 when I started teaching at Blaxland.
Sometimes, I think I'm a bit too hard on myself. A lot happened in that time to cause me to turn to food and seek comfort. Or an excuse to hide. Mum died, my relationship broke up, I changed schools into a place where there was a lot of anger about me getting the position, I fell over walking ( at Easter 3 years ago) and sprained my ankle quite badly. A sprained ankle doesn't sound too bad but I was quite shaken as I was unable to get around and found it difficult to look after my daughters and myself properly. I should have had physio, but couldn't afford it. I lost a lot of confidence and was too scared to go walking outside again in case I slipped again. Then, I got the most painful heel spur which was quite delibilitating for about a year. It was all I could do to get through the working day, an extra walking wasn't going to happen when I was in that much pain.
So all the emotional stuff led to depression and anti-depressants. I don't care what anyone says those things are bad for your body. I spent years in a daze and I'm sure some of the weight gain could be attributed to them. Don't get me wrong, I needed them at the time, but gosh I'm glad I'm not on them anymore. The physical stuff made me even more sedantry than ever. When Mark and I were together I'd walk for an hour every day and go to the gym. When he left I was unable to continue, not having anyone to leave the girls with.
Ok, to the point as my dinner is almost ready.
Somebody who had lost 30 kilos told me that before I lose weight I need to love my fat. I was befuddled by this at the time. Now, I can see that I put the fat there due to a series of circumstances and for some reasons that I wasn't conscious of at the time. Part of loving myself means that I need to stop being so hard on myself for that. Now that I am healed ( or healing) and learning to love myself again, the fat doesn't have a purpose and is coming off.
Tomorrow I'm off to Tuncurry to visit my 90 year old grandmother. Remind me to tell you all about her Beef to the ankles comments... that's a whole other post!
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